What not to watch

What not to watch

While you’re sitting around enjoying the sweet slothiness brought by your end-of-year holiday, contemplating renting a movie, here are some of my recommendations of what to leave on the shelf. I can’t even in good conscience devote the space of a post per movie.

[rate 2]

Mission Impossible 3

So much hype over Keri Russell warding off Tom’s Scientology Tent People. Her role in the movie, I guess, is to make sure we still care, because I sure didn’t give a rat’s patootie about Tom Cruise’s turn as a tortured “but I’m a retired spy” thing. Maybe if he were a retired celebrity…

Anyway, one star goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman because he is awesome and one star for Ethan Hunt’s ability to fight off the bad guy with a bad headache with the heels of his hands pressed to his temples and delivering blow after blow with his elbows. I’m going to try that next time I have a migraine and need to kick some butt.

[rate 2]

The Da Vinci Code

Another boring movie with another famous Tom. Hanks, that is, whose pallid complexion and greasy Vinnie Barbarinoesque hair was not enough to cover up the performance he positively phoned in. So many big names were associated with this movie – Audrey Tatou, Ian McKellen, Paul Bettany, Jean Reno! Wow! and errrr…

Winged VictoryI read the book and liked it well enough but I rented the movie to see some awesome shots of the Louvre and famous works of art. There aren’t any. As I understand it, The Louvre is tres cher to film in and from what I saw, they could’ve saved about a million dollars and filmed the Louvre shots at my old high school. Then again, if I ran the Louvre I would also be very reluctant to let anyone film there.

If you want to see a great shot of inside the Louvre, rent Funny Face (1957). Audrey Hepburn’s descending the grand staircase from behind Winged Victory in a red strapless Givenchy – breathtaking.

[rate 2]

X Men 3: The Last Stand

I’m getting confused with MI:3. All the explosions tend to blend together after a while. I guess if you’re like me and didn’t buy the Jean/Logan/Scott love triangle from the first movie, you wouldn’t really care about it in the third. My favorite relationship of the series was Logan/Rogue but I guess they didn’t know what to do with that. I don’t even remember which mutants survived the movie. It’s unfortunate that this third installment in the series could not keep up with the first two.

I Do Doodle